As the season of animal cruelty, champagne fuelled debauchery, and unwarranted pride for this piss-stained corner of humanity arrives once more, let us rejoice in one hundred things I care about before the Melbourne Cup. Excessive? Perhaps. Sincere? F’oath I am.
100. Low-fat mayonnaise.
99. Orthopaedic crocs.
98. Finger tattoos.
96. Star signs.
95. Prince William’s receding hair line.
94. Prince Harry’s receding hair line.
93. The possibility of my own hair line receding.
92. Redwood desks.
91. Ergonomic chairs.
90. The conversation between Jesus and whoever took him on for his carpentry apprenticeship.
89. Brillo pads.
88. Easy-Off Bam.
87. The burning question of why lemony scents equates to cleanliness.
86. Home Improvement, the Tim Allen show.
85. Home improvement in general.
84. Castilian and Spanish style houses.
83. Quality deals at Bunnings.
82. Bunnings snags.
81. The burning question of how anyone can abide by BBQ sauce.
79. The fact that our parents probably won’t understand the last reference.
78. Tim Allen.
77. The fact that people forget Tim Allen was a drug dealer who sold out his partner for a lesser sentence (see kids, you can always turn your life around.).
76. The need to clarify for legal reasons that we at Year13 do not condone drug dealing or any other crime.
75. The need to clarify for legal reasons that we at Year13 do not condone drug dealing or any other crime but jaywalking is OK.
74. Why I still don’t know why the ocean is blue at fourteen plus and counting years of schooling.
73. Shades of blue that aren’t aqua, turquoise, or navy.
72. Why blue is associated with being sad (I mean it’s a pretty sweet ass colour, right?).
71. The Pixar animation lamp
70. If the Pixar animation lamp uses eco-friendly bulbs.
68. My family I guess (I have to put them somewhere, might as well be here IDK.).
67. How they breed horses.
66. How they breed jockeys.
65. Streets Rainbow Paddle Pops being caramel flavoured (WE WERE LIED TO!).
64. If Werther’s Originals chose our grandparents, or did our grandparents choose them.
63. The sister episode of Stranger Things 2.
62. The evolution of Taylor Swift’s new style.
61. Featherdale zoo.
60. House of Cards being cancelled.
59. Hannah Montana: The Movie being removed from Netflix.
58. Big Bang Theory, 2 Broke Girls, and Arrow polluting the broadcast waves by not being cancelled.
57. Seats that aren’t warm when I first sit in them.
56. Ranking systems.
55. Seizing the means of production.
54. Taking down the bourgeois.
53. Ending estrangement from labour.
52. The revenue from horse racing being too substantial to ban.
51. The fact that tortellini sound like a bunch of little turtles and not pasta.
50. While we’re on the topic of pasta, the fact that bolognaise is so underrated.
48. Monogramed bathrobes.
47. Monogramed anything.
46. The fact that I don’t have cooler initials.
45. Toddlers dressed up like adults.
44. Adults that still dress like toddlers.
43. How the first dairy farmer discovered milk came from cows.
42. What the first dairy farmer was trying to do when he discovered milk came from cows.
41. The fact that people are OK with horses getting whipped more than a middle-aged accountant at a stripclub
40. Post-it notes.
39. Old school staplers.
38. Bendy rulers.
37. Those clippy textas everyone made guns with.
36. Gary Busey.
35. Lawn bowls.
34. Scented candles.
33. How Tarocash became a meme brand of suits to describe smug and shitty blokes.
32. That 40% of jockeys will be unnecessarily injured for five weeks each year.
31. Finding out whatever happened to the guys from Cheez TV.
30. Raindrops on roses.
29. Whiskers on kittens.
28. Bright copper kettles.
27. Warm woollen mittens.
26. Brown paper packages tied up with strings.
25. Julie Andrews.
24. That I may have wasted the better part of an hour, only to have no one appreciate these jokes.
22. The fact that I don’t know about you.
20. Tony Danza.
19. That the Melbourne Cup hats have more dimension and intricacy than those who wear them.
18. Grainy, low-fi photos.
17. That your ex’s dog will never understand why you stopped visiting.
16. Alex Turner’s hair evolution.
15. Alex Turner’s hips.
14. That 800 riders have died since racing began in Australia in 1890, but more relevantly, 13 jockeys have been killed in the past decade.
13. That injured race horses are almost always killed.
12. What Sophie Monk will be wearing on race day.
11. Warm soup on a cold night.
10. Little House on the Prairie.
8. That our universe may be a simulation run by future civilizations.
7. That billionaire genius and real-life Tony Stark, Elon Musk, believes we are in a simulation and is investigating as such.
6. The Power Rangers reboot movie.
5. The shit-show political landscape of Australia right now.
4. The fact that two riders have been killed in 2016 on tracks in non-race incidents.
3. The fact that 137 racehorses have died on tracks in a one year period.
2. The fact that, on average, one horse will die on Australian racetracks every 2.6 days.
1. The fact that you still think this is a joke. But I guess it’s OK, because you had fun. Right?
Pull your head in.
By Garry Lu