I remember being an embarrassing fuck in high school.
There was one time, during a basketball game against the school down the road, that sticks out in my memory. It was a rainy day, so naturally the hall was packed with listless students looking for something to shit on. I decided it wasn’t going to be me, so I went out of my way to straight embarrass the other team.
I put on a show, talking smack and scoring in bunches right in their faces. The other players, being normal people with normal responses to things, took offence to that, and wanted to take me down a notch.
I was lining up for a free throw when their captain strolled right over to me and dacked me, the whole gym laughing at the sweet karma being handed to me.
Fuck I wish I didn’t do that.
Looking back though, there are so many bigger things to cringe at than that. Sure, I was just another teen reacting to the minefield of high school social life in any way I could, but I wish it didn’t manifest in such nasty ways; it’s taken far too long to realise I didn’t have to put other people down to make myself look cooler.
Even if I wasn’t an outright bully (I hope), it’s the incessant shit talking we all partook in I worry about – the snide little comments that made us second guess ourselves. I look on Facebook at all the cool things the people in my year are doing now, and I just remember are all the shitty things I said to them. I worry we were all holding each other back with our crap, that these incredible people took longer to reveal themselves for fear they would be beat back down to size. I just wish I was nicer to my peers, y’know?
Despite all the pettiness and bitchiness of high school, some of my regrets are more to do with what I didn’t do than what I did do; I wish I understood the briefness of our school years more, and I wish I acted accordingly.
They certainly were not my best years, but they were damn unique. Never again have I been in an environment where I had all my best friends – and more – close by, every day of the week. I wish I appreciated that more. I wish I took time out of each day to take it all in, and to make the most of it all. I wish I took more photos. It’s not like I took those years for granted or anything, but I just didn’t quite realise that when they were over they’d be over forever.
But at the end of the day, when I’m thinking back on my high school years, I remember those sleepless nights when I was just flat out worrying about shit. It was such a pointless exercise and one I wish I did differently. Those insecurities dictated so much of my personality and what I did- it was fucking ridiculous.
I look back now and laugh, cause I turned out absofuckinglutely fine, despite what all that anxiety would have had me think, but I wish I had spent less time worrying, and more time being bloody excellent.