Maybe it had something to do with being a chubby, out-of-shape, indoors kid up until the age of fifteen, but televised sports have never really had an appeal to me. This is with the exception of combat sports, but that’s only because martial arts were the only sport that I did, and because deep down, we’re all still bloodthirsty apes out to watch one guy get the absolute shit kicked out of him.

Trying to assimilate by watching the rugby growing up was always a trip. Here’s a few things that goes through every non-sport fans’ head during a match… thingy. Event. Yeah.

  1. OK, here they come. Wow, there are a lot of them. Wonder what the pay roll is like?
  2. Jesus, even their necks have abs. I bet I could grate cheese on their actual abs.
  3. Alright, it’s starting. Do I have time to pee or…?
  4. Huh, that’s the ball? Doesn’t seem very bounceable… or aerodynamic.
  5. I was wrong, it’s very aerodynamic.
  6. Could go some chicken strips right now, to be honest.
  7. Why don’t they just run faster?
  8. Why don’t they just run in a different direction?

    escalator

  9. That tackle looks like it’d hurt, wonder if there’s a physio on standby?
  10. What just happened? Why does the other team get the ball now?
  11. Why doesn’t he just kick it up a bit?
  12. Fuck yeah, a punch on. Now this I understand.
  13. That punch on wasn’t nearly as long as I was hoping for.
  14. I’m bored again, what are they doing and why?
  15. Is that the guy that pissed in his own mouth?
  16. Is that the guy that dry humped a dog on Australia day?

    hunter parrish head scratch

  17. Niiice, Garry! Is that a thing? Is that this sport?
  18. Half time, bet they could use an Up-And-Go right about now.
  19. Does Meatloaf sing at every match?
  20. Is it over? Can I watch a foreign film on SBS yet?
  21. Oh, nope. Overtime. This is a big deal, I think?
  22. Man, everyone is so riled up. Should I… should I pretend to be into it to?
  23. I’m still thinking about them Inghams. Wonder if we have any chicken strips left.
  24. Why does every team captain say they gave it 300%? How is that numerically possible?
  25. Hey look, Graham Norton’s on.

By Garry Lu

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