Seeing live music is all fun and games until everyone starts grinding and sweating and breathing on you. Here are some of the quintessential characters that are lurking at live shows around the country.

1. The Phone Addict

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Getting a quick Snap or a clip for your Insta is one thing, but holding up your stupid phone and blocking everyone’s view for the entire gig is another thing entirely. Not cool. Not thoughtful. Not to mention the fact that the footage is going to look and sound like absolute sh*t, and you’re never going to watch it again. Sorry to sound like your dad, but put the phone away and enjoy the moment for a second. Have a dance, drink a beer, go crowdsurfing if you want to, but don’t spend the whole show on your phone.

2. The Arms-Folded Hipster

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More often than not, he’s a dude with tight jeans, generic tattoos, ironic facial hair and an intimidating snarl. He’ll complain about the way the beer tastes, the price of the beer, the bar tender’s “attitude problem”, the sound quality, the sound technician’s “attitude problem”, the band, the way the band dresses, the actual music, or all of the above. His favourite dance move is called “the angry prison warden.” Basically, you just fold your arms, thrust your crotch forward and just stand there, doing nothing much. As you can imagine, this guy is super fun to hang out with.

3. The Photographer Who Thinks He’s In The Band

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This guy sucks. His name is probably Chad or Julian and when he’s not accidentally elbowing you in the face, he’s telling you about all the famous people he met at Glastonbury or Coachella. He has no reservations about getting up on stage and posing as if he’s in the band, despite the fact that he isn’t and no one actually wants him there. Your photos are cool, Chad, but you’re not.

4. The Excessively Drunk/Overexcited/Drugged Up Teen

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Sometimes it comes off as cute but usually it’s just annoying. We’ve all seen that kid who’s so trashed that they can’t quite comprehend what to do with their mouth. Grinding teeth, questionable dance moves, drink spilling and really repetitive conversations the telltale signs. Male incarnations tend to jump around with zero disregard for those around them, while females tend to bump, grind, pout and take selfies. While it’s easy to criticise this kid, we’ve all been there at some point.

5. The Smug Singalong Queen

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She looks over at you midway through the set, mouthing the words to one of the songs that nobody else seems to know, then looks back at the stage. She’s trying to sing louder than the actual band, generally ruining the songs. But she wants everyone to know that she memorised the words of every song, even the b-side tracks from the band’s first demo. Sometimes she’s a groupie but just as often she’s just there for the music. Good on her, I guess.

6. The Bald Leather Jacket Guy

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Apart from constantly repeating stories about how much better the music scene was back in the ‘80s, he’s a pretty good bloke. He’s old and overweight and his breath probably stinks a little bit, but he really appreciates the chance to get out and see some music. Let him buy you a couple of drinks while he regales you with stories about the good ol’ days.