27 Oct 2016

As thousands of you take off on your ultimate trips of freedom this week, we feel it’s best we help to prepare you for a bunch of Schoolies inevitabilities. Since you’ll be probably spending your time in a town overrun with mostly intoxicated school leavers, you’re 100% likely to run into a few odd characters along the way (hopefully, none of them are anything like James Franco’s character in Spring Breakers).

1. The Mum

The member of the group that’s always keeping an eye out for everyone and fussing about food and jumpers. You can spot them because they’ll be the only ones holding Mount Franklin bottles that are full of actual water. While the nagging can be irritating, like most Mums they’re right a lot of the time, so maybe listen when they tell you to eat a sustainable meal before going out.

2. The Lobster

You know, that kid who’s so pale that he turns into a tomato as soon as he steps into the sun. Bravely, he powers on, but that’s gotta hurt, right? In all honestly, no matter how much sunscreen you apply, everyone’s going to come home with awkward sunburns. It’s a part of life. Just accept it.

3. The “I’m Not Drunk”

That one person who’s had way too much but keeps insisting they’re fine. The one who never gets let in anywhere because they’re too smashed to talk to the security guard. The one who attempts a daredevil stunt and ends up flat on their face. And yep, the one who always ends up throwing up all over everything. That guy.

4. The Locals

If they’re brave enough to venture outside, the locals will be the ones wearing looks of either utmost disdain, or complete amusement. They’ve seen countless kids just like you over the years, and they either hate you all or think you’re just dumb teenagers. Probably both. Be nice to them, you are kind of invading their town after all.

5. The Bucket Hats

This is the gang of guys who think they’re totally top shit because they’re “cool” with looking a bit like an idiot. You can spot them from a mile off, mainly because yes, they’re wearing bucket hats. All of them. In varying vintage floral patterns.

6. The Maccas-Erry-Meal

We all love a good dose of the big M every now and then, but we all have that one friend who is McDonalds obsessed. These friends think Schoolies is literally just an excuse to have Micky D’s for every single meal (post 2am fix included), which is fine… if you want to experience a bacon and egg McMuffin returning back up the way it came.

7. The Runaway

That one member of the group who constantly ends up running off and getting separated from the rest. Whether because they’ve spotted someone really hot, caught a whiff of the 24-hour kebab shop, or simply found something shiny to look at, you need to keep a close eye on these ones (or get one of those tracking apps on their phone).

8. The Dance Machine

Often the person you least suspect it to be, the dance machine needs no more than a drop of liquor before they’re twerking all over the place. Their energy levels are near impossible to keep up with and they’re the ones still going hard on the df long after everyone else has given up.

9. The Too Hard Too Fast

You know the one who drinks way more at pres then everyone else, then can barely stand by the time you leave for the club? These guys have no clue about limits, so keep to your own pace, cause they’re probably going to end up in bed before 11pm.

10. The “What Happened Last Night?”

The one that can never remember anything from the night before, so you have to be the one to tell them that they got kicked out of the club, sassed a police officer, made out with a random stranger (who was embarrassingly sober) and got locked out of the hotel room for so long that they fell asleep in the hallway.