04 Dec 2016

Basic anthropology: some people are cool and some reeeeally suck. There’s a few different varieties out there on the spectrum but, for the most part, after a few years in any sort of service industry you can begin to anticipate the majority that you’ll come across. Here are most of them:

1. The Boss’s Kid

Overview: Person who half-arses literally all of their duties and ignores any authority figures because they think the fact that their parents own the business makes them the risen Christ. That said, even if they are a dick, you’re the one who gets in trouble if you try to put nails through them.
Key Features: Apathetic, glazed-over eyes; hunched posture from the weight of privilege on their shoulders.
Most Common Phrase: “I could get you fired, y’know?”
What You Say: “Uuuum… please don’t.”
What You Want to Say: “I could set you on fire, y’know?” 

2. The Comedian

Overview: Customer or colleague whose purpose on Earth is to never utter a syllable unless it’s in the interest of trying to make you laugh, with gargantuan emphasis on “trying”.
Key Features: Shifty, anticipatory eyes; red, moist ears straining for the perfect set-up to “That’s what she said!”
Most Common Phrase: [insert joke specific to your workplace you’ve heard a thousand times]
What You Say: [weak laugh that feels like it actually deflates the wrinkled balloon that is your soul]
What You Want to Say: [loud, sarcastic laugh repeated ad nauseam until they cry and run out blindly into traffic]

3. The Stare-y Fairy

Overview: Person who, for whatever unnerving reason, can’t look anywhere but straight into your eyes during every conceivable interaction, as though they’ve lost some key part of themselves and suspect you of harbouring it deep within the recesses of your skull.
Key Features: Burst capillaries form, straining to incept you using only the powers of ocular projection; damp palms cos, yeah, they’re creepy as shit.
Most Common Phrase: “Hey, what’s going on? What, uuuh… what’re you looking at?”
What You Say: “Oh, I’ve just lost something.”
What You Want to Say: “Anything but your damn eyes! Mother of God, STOP LOOKING AT ME!!!” 

4. The Aspiring Something-or-Other

Overview: Part-time or casual worker who has been there for years, still can’t talk about anything other than their yet-to-take-off acting career/personal training business/hitman ambitions.
Key Features: A spring in their step and bright, idealistic flare in their eyes that slowly fades with the progression of each new year; always the drunkest person at the Christmas party.
Most Common Phrase: “I mean, I’m not gonna be here for much longer, so…”
What You Say: “Mmmhmmm, yeah cos of your, uuuh… Yeah, I remember.”
What You Want to Say: “You are aware that you’re now the senior staff member here, right?”
 

5. The Regular

Overview: Customer who’s been coming to the place you work almost everyday since you’ve been there. Greeted on a first name basis, if you work anywhere other than a bar they’re probably pretty friendly; if it is a bar, I guess it depends on what time of day they come in and how long happy hour lasts.
Key Features: Unchanging outfit, identical stride and vocal tone; only the wrinkles and receding hairline indicate the inexorable passage of time.
Most Common Phrase: [same thing they’ve said every single day they come in]
What You Say: [same response you’ve always given, smile barely hiding the existential fear creeping into your skull that this has been going on for so long]
What You Want to Say: “We’re gonna die like this, aren’t we?”

6. The Pal

Overview: Over-eager, unctuous co-worker who tries way too hard to get you to spend time with them after work. Lives with parents despite advanced age or alone in a one-bedroom flat; either way, probably a serial killer.
Key Features: Sycophantic grin; imperturbable need to compliment you on everything you do.
Most Common Phrase: “Hey, buddy. Want to hang out after work?”
What You Say: “Oh, I can’t, sorry. I have plans.”
What You Want to Say: “I barely want to hang out with you now.”

7. The Snitch

Overview: Not concerned with friendship or general social amenities, this person is as ever-vigilant as a turnkey snake, the boss’s unwanted eyes and ears. They are ready to pounce on the slightest of infractions and turn them to their advantage.
Key Features: Pale, slim and brittle, like an anemic Gestapo officer.
Most Common Phrase: “I think the boss will wanna know about this.”
What You Say: “That doesn’t seem necessary to me.”
What You Want to Say: “At what age were you told that you were an accident?”

8. The Gossip

Overview: The resident source of every piece of nasty, salacious business that no one’s supposed to know about. Would be insanely gifted at international espionage, chooses instead to wreak havoc on a domestic basis.
Key Features: Sharpened senses for picking up on information they shouldn’t be able to; may actually possesses sonar capabilities.
Most Common Phrase: “Oh my God, did you hear about…?”
What You Say: “Uuuh, should you be telling me this?”
What You Want to Say: “Tell me everything!”