28 Jun 2021

Why take my advice? I don't wanna brag, but I was a BS champion back in high school. So much so that I was top of the honour roll in Year 12 and I hardly spent any time dwelling on my essays. I never read a text for Advanced English, I skimmed Ancient History notes and I looked up summaries for Drama and Art.

This did backfire once when I had an essay on 'Macbeth' and didn't even know the story yet. (I'd also zoned out in most classes... sorry Mr Norberry). I watched a Youtube video synopsis in which the characters were all drawn as animals for some reason. I jumped to the conclusion that Macbeth was like Animal Farm and wrote a whole essay on the symbolism of Macduff being a dog and Macbeth being a lion.

My teacher genuinely thought I was on something.

Other than that debacle, I knew how to BS my way through school. Looking back, I really do wish I read more of the texts and took in more lessons so my number one tip is to try to actually listen and learn!

But, if it's too late for that and you're despo Debbie, remember this. Diamonds are made under pressure! So let's use that pressure to bang out the best essay possible... Hazaar!

Gather the troops

You're gonna need the relevant readings and a copy of class notes (even if you have to scab them from someone else).

For most classes that require essays, the teacher will have spent several classes/lectures essentially handing you ideas for said essays. Go through the notes and pick out whatever you can. We're talkin' particular themes, examples, or passages from the text. 

Research

We're not here to root spiders. We all know that if we're trying to BS an essay as quickly as possible, websites like Sparknotes are gonna be our best friends. Online you can find an array of important passages, themes, motifs, and topics to nick. Of course, make sure to use a thesaurus and chuck these into your own words. Your teacher might see right through you if you use words like 'profligacy', 'vertiginous', and you might use them in the wrong context, so don't go too over board.

Don’t be original, be creative. Using someone else’s ideas or information is not considered cheating. I mean, if you're studying a text, it was probably written decades ago and any theme or angle you come up with, someone else has probably already thought it. Save your effort and time, quickly grab some themes and try to talk about them uniquely!

Time to plan

Grab some paper and start scrawling down some angles.

If you already have an overall answer to the essay q or argument, you need to focus on breaking it up into sections. Start by coming up with examples of your topic, or categories within your topic. Keep on splitting until you can point to a specific quote or passage for each separate idea. 

If you've got a few ideas for paragraph topics or quotes to use but can’t figure out how they fit together, separate them on paper. If you have quotes in mind, or passages to refer to, or even just a sentence from the Sparknotes page you read instead of the assignment itself, write those underneath.

Comparing two texts is your best friend when you’re stuck as well— write out similarities and differences. 

Risky techniques

If you're in the actual exam hall and are really struggling, here are some controversial ways to really BS that essay. Remember, this is the very last result!

1. If you have one page of stuff to say about a topic, but the paper has to be five pages, fluff it the frick out. Make some points that you don't necessarily strongly believe and go on long tangents.

2. If it's a niche and nuanced text, make up quotes. If you're talking about a theme, a great way to stretch out your argument is with quotes, but if you've forgotten them all, just make one up. This is obviously a little risky, especially if it's a text as well known as 'Brave New World' or 'The Great Gatsby', so like I said, it works best with more unknown texts. But hey, you have to risk it to get the biscuit sometimes... 

3. Make up symbols and themes. I mean, we all know that the characters in Macbeth aren't animals, but you best believe when I thought it was, I went on insane tangents of the choice of making Macduff a dog. Get creative. Who knows, this might have a bangin' payoff. I mean, a lot of the time, essays are subjective, so just go wild!