26 Jun 2020

I’m sprawled across the sheets of my little bed on a Saturday night, alone; legs crowded by my ten-pound school bag, a week’s worth of worksheets and an empty Dorito packet. The slim white numbers in the corner of my phone screen flicker… 12:00. What have I done tonight? Ate, napped and binged some Netflix. What a time to be alive!

Where did I go wrong? I ask myself. Why aren’t I out, making the most of this momentous time? Shouldn’t I be with my friends, getting drunk or going on a late night Maccas run? Isn’t this meant to be the part where I have crazy adventures?

I guess I’ve never had those friends. You know, friends to share my secrets with, friends that make me laugh till my belly hurts or friends to hold my hand when I can’t stand on my own two feet anymore.

It’s not that I’m a loner, I just never clicked with any other kids in my grade. Year after year I’ve shuffled between friend groups, hoping this is the one. Sure, we sit together in class and we follow eachother on Instagram but our bond doesn’t go much beyond that really. I’m not sure why. Is it because I’m too honest? Or too shy? Maybe I’m too loud?

It hurts sometimes- being on the outside. It hurts because I feel like I’m missing out. I spend my days surrounded by kids livin’ out the teenage dream; my dream. I watch their time play out to perfection, just like the movies: late summer nights topped with first drinks, first kisses, late night drives. None of which I’ve been a part of.

It hurts because I’ll never know what it feels like to be a part of it all. What it feels like to stay up late with my gal pals for a Friends marathon, fighting over the last Kit-Kat and re-watching our favourite scenes. Sure, I can watch Friends alone any day but we all know it’s not the same.

But I’ve learnt something from the late nights spent watching Netflix by myself. I’ve learnt that, it’s okay not to have a solid friend group; it gives you more time to focus on you. It’s okay not to be popular, not to be invited to every party or to spend your weekends at home. It’s okay if you never found your ‘people’, because plenty of kids don’t. Sorry to break it to you, but high school isn’t always like the movies.

While it might feel like you’re missing out on those iconic high school experiences, there is more to life than Year 12. There’s uni or tafe, work, travel and so many more opportunities out there. Just because it doesn’t feel like things are going your way right now, doesn’t mean your time isn’t coming. People will tell you these are meant to be the best years of your life but you’ve got so much time ahead of you that it’s okay if they’re not. You are going to meet people who you feel like you’ve known your whole life, just give yourself a chance.

For now, you gotta focus on you. Stop worrying about what you’re missing and work with what you’ve got. Spend time with your family or invest yourself in your hobbies. This time in high school, without pressures and expectations from the ‘real world’ is precious. While it may not be how you imagined it, that’s not to say it can’t be good, or f*cking great.

by Matilda Reid