22 Jun 2021

You are Gollum. Money is the ring. You'll open your wallet and start saying "my precious" any day now. 

Some may call you a tightwad, others may call you a cheapskate but they can all get rooted... You're the one with immaculate savings, diluted soap and drawers jampacked with free samples of hotel shampoo and conditioners... who's the real winner, huh?!?!

Yeah nah, we're just joking around here! Most humans under the sun that don't wipe their bums with 100 notes are naturally a lil' stingy here and there. That's aaallll g. But seriously, if you do everything on this list... you really are a stinge. Don't worry, I'm guilty as charged too. 

1. You don't round off money

If you owe your mate $15.84, you will transfer them exactly that, to the cent. Not $16. Not even $15.85.

Depositing $15.84 into your account right now.

2. If there's no coupon, it aint going in your cart

Yeah sure, you've been eyeing this pair of jeans online for a century but you still refuse to buy it unless you can find a coupon that works or better yet, it goes on sale! 

It's a risky gamble, I mean, what if it sells out in your size? But the real nightmare would be buying it and then watching it go on sale a few days later. Yikes!

3. You'll do anything for free stuff

I once signed up to be a hair model. There are two things you need to know about me to understand the severity of this situation. There is nothing more I hate on this planet than getting my picture taken (I'm extremely unphotogenic and uncomfortable in front of cameras). But there is nothing I love more than free stuff.

I didn't even need a haircut, but you best believe I jumped on that opportunity.

But it's not just haircuts that us stinges love, is it? Someone's giving away a free sample? You'll take as much as you can. Leftover toiletries at a hotel? Free ice cream with your dinner? Gimme gimme gimme. Free stuff really is music to our ears.

4. You'll eat until you're sick

... or bring leftovers home. But if that isn't an option, you best believe you'll finish that plate if it's the last thing you do. You paid for it after all! You need your moneys worth.

5. You hate lending money

Let's be real, your mates never pay you back. But of course, when you owe them money, it's another story. "Hey, can you transfer me for dinner last night?" they'll text you. 

Little do they know, you have an extensive list in your notes of all the things they owe you.

"Actually, you still owe me $56.72, so just minus dinner from that. Here are my bank details if you need them again". Crushed it.

6. You'll use it until it's 10000% broken

I mean, you're really just doing an act of service to mother nature and being a bit more sustainable by buying less and using what you have to the fullest. 

Shoes coming apart? Duck tape 'em. Holes in your socks? Meh. Soap or perfume running out? Just dilute it with water. You beauty!

7. You keep tags and receipts

Who knows when you'll decide that you actually don't vibe with that new pair of jeans. You've normally got about a month to decide whether you wanna commit to this purchase or not. 

8. Mould and expiry dates mean nothing to you

Expiry date? Don't know her. Mould? Don't be so dramatic.

Avo looking a bit grim? Just pick off the rank bits. Voila. Baby spinach a bit past its prime? Chuck it in a smoothie and she'll be right. Bread have some mould on it? Just cut that bit out and you've got yourself a five star brekkie. Surely the toaster will zap out the remaining nasties too.

9. You re-gift things

"Thanks so much Gran! This bookset is unreal!"... You then proceed to read said bookset, careful with every page turn to keep it in perfect condition. Oh would you look at that, it's your mates' birthday. Funnily enough, they're a bookworm! Lucky you kept those books looking so shmick. Chuck some wrapping paper and you've got a bangin' prezzie.

Some will call you a cheapskate... Bust just know that you're extra savvy and that's not a bad thing!