16 Aug 2021

I once had to play a German man during World War II, with no legs, on his dying bed, telling his wife that he cheated on her because he never loved her. I'll give you a moment to really let that sink in... I had to perform this as well, in front of the whole class. And my drama teacher genuinely thought this was normal... I signed up for playing 'Thank God You're Here' and 'Slap The Butcher', not this!

It's safe to say that my drama teacher, like Mr G, was ✨surreal✨. Here are some more wack things she did.

Gave me a D for not being a believable caterpillar

I wrapped myself tightly in a blanket, except for my face, and rolled myself up and down, up and down on the stage. Surprisingly, being a caterpillar was quite demanding on my core, but I strived on, slowly wriggling around. I then transformed quite poignantly from my cocoon into a butterfly, letting the blanket go to show off the $2 wings that I bought from the dollar store. 

Maybe I wasn't going method enough, because I got a D. Seriously?!?! According to my drama teacher, she didn't think I was believable enough as a caterpillar. "I know you could have done better Izzy!"

Believable enough? I don't think a 5'5, 60kg caterpillar is gonna fool anyone hun. At least let me pass for God's sake. 

Made me seriously act out the this Titanic scene 

With this music playing in the background and all, my friend and I had to act out this scene, word for word (minus the pash at the end). 

I'm sorry, but as a 17-year-old being hugged by my best mate behind me, her saying "do you trust me" and me saying "I'm flying Jack!" was never going to be done seriously. We were both pissing ourselves a few seconds in, the rest of the class hiding their laughter as well.

By the end, we couldn't get any words out and nothing could be heard over everyone's laugher. Our drama teacher was genuinely butt hurt that we didn't put more of our heart and soul into it. I guess I'll never be getting an Oscar. 

Cried when we were all caught mucking around with the props

She left us crates of props and then had to leave the classroom for ten minutes for a quick meeting. "Work on your scenes" she said before she left.

Naturally, we all went for the new props. We dressed up as pirates, zombies, and astronauts, sifting through the crates, playing with fake swords and masks...

She returned with us all in shambles. I was having a lightsaber fight with my friend. Then, she broke down in actual, genuine tears as we all stared at each other with wide eyes. We all awkwardly took our costumes off and returned the props to the crates as she said "I just thought I trusted you all. I'm so disappointed". Yikes.

Made me act as a dying man...

I mean, you read the intro. But I'd like to say it one more time because it's honestly breathtaking. I had to perform, in front of the whole class, as a German man who, in World War II had his legs blown off. On his dying bed, he told his wife that he cheated on her because he never loved her.

There is genuinely too much to unpack there. Like I got a migraine just writing that. 

This was especially painful as my friend had to play my wife and was trying with all her might not to break out in laughter. (As you can tell, my drama teacher took these performances very seriously).

My German accent was so bad, I think it sounded more Russian than anything, and my acting so bad that I made a promise that day, that I would never, ever become an actor.

I was in drama class for the fun games, not this.

You will not see me at the Oscars. But if I change my mind, my drama teacher will be the first person mentioned in the speech.

"This is to my drama teacher who gave me a D for not being a believable enough caterpillar". Then, onstage, in front of every A-list actor in the world, I'll grab a blanket and act as a caterpillar again; "Is that any better?"