28 Feb 2020

Cavemen boogied around bonfires, singing and clapping in small caves with great sound acoustics. Ancient Egyptians let loose and belly danced to loud music with wine. Romans would have exotic parties and festivals with rich food and alcohol, getting truly rowdy. 

For centuries, your ancestors have gotten lit and now, the time has finally come. You're 18 and you can finally go clubbing! 

Here is what your first night of painting the town red will look like. 

 

A night of clubbing always begins standing in line nervously as you approach the infamous and intimidating seccy's (security guards). Seccy's can either be lovely or cutthroat so you've always got to play a careful game. My mates taught me the cardinal rule that I will now bestow upon you- if a seccy asks you how many drinks you've had, only ever say two. 

Now that you've bested the seccy's with your impressive acting, you get to see and walk around the club for the first time. Being honest, your sense of smell will immediately be overwhelmed by the aroma of alcohol and sweat. You'll get used to it.

You'll then find yourself at the bar, ordering your first drink. My first drink was definitely a boujee choice; vodka raspberry. As paying for the drink, you'll realise that alcohol in clubs costs the price of Jesus' tears. You will then shed your own tears and say a silent farewell to all the money you will inevitably lose that night.

Next up is sightseeing. On your right, there will be two people furiously sucking each other faces off. On your left, there will be a guy half asleep in the corner. In front of you will be a much much older citizen who just doesn't seem to fit in with the young hustle and bustle. Whatever floats your dingy though. There will be guys attempting to grind on anyone keen, girls complaining that high heels were a bad option and people spilling their drinks everywhere. The Romans would be having a ball here.

Now for the best part, you'll go for a boog. The music will be blaring bangers, leaving your ears ringing. I'm talking ABBA Gimmie! Gimmie! Gimmie bangers. You will struggle to have even the tiniest conversation with your mates as everything but the music is audible.

But eventually you'll need to break the seal and go to the loo. The toilet lines, for girls especially, will probably be excruciating especially if you're busting. But many wholesome things happen in toilets. You'll probably have a deep and meaningful with a stranger, help someone fix their shirt, look after someone who is crying. Shortly after, you'll find yourself shimming over to the d-floor in a desparate attempt to find your mates who have probably disappeared off to another section. Then you'll realise how hard texting is whilst drunk. A conversation may look a little like this:

You will, inevitably, stumble across your friends again, call it a night and go to Maccas, ordering more food than necessary. A good night always ends with Maccas. Remember that.