13 Nov 2020

I remember everything about the first day of Year 7.

I remember my backpack being bigger than my body. Rocking up to science class late because I couldn't navigate my way around the building. Logan fainting at lunch because it was such a stinkin' hot day. My sweat glueing me to my seat in English class because there were no fans or aircon. The canteen line being chocker blocked because everyone wanted to buy ice cream...

Above all, I remember staring at the Year 12 students, thinking that they seemed so much older and wiser than me. They must know what's up, I thought. I couldn't wait to be one of them.

It seemed like it'd be centuries before I would be a Year 12 student myself. But time creeps up on you. 

I've gone through graduation, am g'ing up for the formal and am studying crazily for the last exams I'll ever do in high school.

Back in Year 7, I thought everyone in Year 12 must know what their future holds. But here I am. I don't know what's up other than the fact that I'm terrified of leaving the secure, structured and simple safety net that is high school behind.

The irony is, I've spent most of my experience in the education system wishing it away. When I got to the point where I was being bombarded with the same question: "What will you do after high school?", my eagerness to leave high school quickly became clouded by fear.

The truth is, I'm scared to leave high school.

I'm scared because I don't know what I want to pursue. I'm scared to fend for myself because let's be real, I'm 17, I've hardly spent more than a few days away from home at a time and have no idea how to go about taxes, bills, laundry, bond and rent! I'm scared that I won't live up to the potential my friends and family think I have. I'm scared to feel like my Year 7 self again, clunky, awkward, out of place and always getting lost. I'm scared to fail but above all, I'm scared I won't know what to try.

I've hidden this apprehension with my friends. They are all ecstatic to blast 'School's Out' by Alice Cooper and never see our high school again. They're keen as beans for a new adventure and probably because they know what those adventures are! They have post-school plans! For the past few weeks, I've been wondering how I can find a Post-School Plan of myself. A plan, as rough as it may be. A passion. A direction. A purpose.

Recently, I've become more comfortable with the idea of leaving school. I'm still nervous, but figuring out where I see myself and where I'm headed has put my mind at ease. I don't have all the answers and I probably won't for a while, but it's kind of exciting trying to find them.

You know, it's funny. I don't think I ever considered the future because I was always denying that it would actually come. Little Year 7 me thought she'd be a kid forever and I guess that I'm only just realising that that's not true. But I guess I will just channel her, with her backpack bigger than her body, prepared for anything the world has to offer outside of high school.