23 Oct 2016

So, no pressure, but do you ever wonder if you’ll wake up one day to find you’ve let time slip away while waiting for the world to inspire you? It’s definitely one of my deepest fears, wedged somewhere between a Trump presidency and a Trump sex dream. This can be especially true if the sort of job you’re after falls outside the mainstream, with little available in the way of qualifications or apprenticeships that can guarantee you work in the field of your choice.

Whether you’re looking to start a career in the arts, design your own app or become a frion tamer (one who tames lions that are on fire, shut up, it’s a real thing), undoubtedly the hardest part is finding the motivation to get started.

Whatever endeavour you choose to pursue, here’s three key things to avoid.

Overconfidence, or the Mark Wahlberg Syndrome

Remember when Marky Mark said in an interview that if he’d been on the flight that was hijacked on 9/11, things would have gone differently? Yet, shockingly, the dude’s air marshal career is in a bit of a slump. That’s because you can’t act like you’re already amazing at something just because you want to be and expect dividends from it. There are several reasons for this:

  • People will think you’re a dick or, depending on your other flaws, even more of a dick.
  • Being a braggart is not how you go about getting hired, unless you can somehow monetise being that douchebag at a party who tops everyone’s stories (free pity drinks don’t count.)
  • If you convince yourself that you’re the best, chances are all you’ll do is sit around waiting for opportunities to find you based on the magnetism of your own awesomeness, which is like trying to pick up at a club by blowing kisses at your reflection.

Deal With Your Fear of Failure, Cos it’s Gonna Happen

Look, it’s inescapable: the first dozen or maybe even the first hundred attempts you make at doing what you love may very well suck hard. Unfortunately, there’s no way to get to the milk without staring straight at a cow’s asshole… or maybe I’ve been doing it wrong.

Point is, you have to let yourself be really bad at something so you can find out when you’re screwing up. In a lot of ways, this is probably the biggest obstacle people face and I totally get why. I remember thinking how awesome my first piece of writing was. I slowly came to realise it was actually a heap of sh*t. It’s hard to think of any real world circumstance analogous to that sinking sensation. I guess it’s kinda like getting on a train and being greeted by the tantalising scent of fish n chips, so you start salivating a little and begin looking around for whose it is, before slowly realising that no one has any fish n chips, there’s just two obese men in the corner wearing tight, damp shorts and you’ll never be able to eat that meal ever again. But you will, one day… when the memory and trauma of the incident fade, it will once again be something you can stomach, I promise.

Lack of Experience is an Opportunity, or (eh,)
The Trump Standard

Simply put, living is doing is learning. You wanna be a stand-up comedian? Go to a party and tell some jokes. You wanna work in event management? Plan one of those parties and be sure not to let in anyone who brings down the mood, like wannabe comedians. Wanna make nature documentaries? Find any two animals having sex, film it and send it into National Geographic. Wanna job at the circus? Set some lions on fire and get to taming.

Look, in the end, you’ll find what works for you in this world regardless. This is all light-hearted, speculative advice not intended as a boot to the head.Think of it as a soft wake-up call, like an alarm clock that lightly flicks you on the jollies.