22 May 2021

I think there should be a worldwide rule that everyone has to work in customer service for at last three years. And tbh wouldn't mind taking a customer service refresher course and undertake work experience just to keep customer service fresh in my memory. Because seriously, why am I constantly serving knobs? None of them understand how annoying they're being.

Before my dream becomes a reality, I guess all of us working in customer service can unite over the worst things customers do and say... we're in this together.

Spends 10 minutes in line...gets to register...

AND NOW they decide to look at the menu. Look at the long line behind you! Where is your self-awareness? I wanna scream at them "no, no, go back to the end of the line and come back to me when you've actually decided what you want to order." 

"You need more staff on"

Do you think I call the shots around here? Do you think I schedule the rosters and sort out hiring more staff? What shall I do, Karen? Shall I clone myself? Do you wanna hop on a register? Maybe if I had fewer people like you to serve, I'd get through the line quicker and we wouldn't need more staff.

Getting my ears bitten off when I'm not working

It's break time. I'm sitting down in the corner, earphones in, reading a book, and inhaling my free meal (best part of working in hospo). A customer has the AUDACITY to ask for my assistance. Please, good sir. Look around! There are tonnes of other employees to go bug. Why me? Why now? 

What's worse is, back when I worked at a cinema, even when I was outside of my place of work and wearing my uniform, I'd still get ambushed by people.

"What movies are coming out?"

 I'm on the bus home right now. Do I look like I'm on shift? I'm off duty so use your damn phone.

"Do you work here?"

What's worse? Being ambushed 24/7 because of your uniform even when you're not working, or being asked, whilst clearly in your uniform (nametag and all) if you worked at the establishment.

Oh no babe, I'm just behind the counter because I got lost. I'm just cleaning up the building because I believe in random acts of kindness. I'm just wearing this uniform because I think it's chic and modern. My patience is gone.

"It didn't scan, it must be free"

HAHAHAH!!! OH MY GOSH! Such wit! Such humour! Please, start a stand-up comedy special with the six other people that said that to me today. I fake laugh at this job so much, I forget how my real one sounds.

When they give you info AFTER you've charged them

"Oh, I have a membership card!"

"Oh! I had a coupon!"

"Oh, I had a free coffee today on my rewards card!"

Get a flux capacitor and a DeLorean and go back in time with Marty and Doc. Then, tell me this BEFORE I take your money. Do you know how complicated this place makes it to do refunds? 

"I wanna speak to the manager"

This is why everyone needs to experience working in customer service. They'll figure out that the manager hardly knows what's going on either. They've probably been in the staffroom researching cryptocurrency or curating a playlist on Spotify called "the customer is not always right."

"I wanna speak to the manager," well, I wanna speak to your mother and tell her that her adult child is still acting like a baby.

When they think we're psychic

"I was here a few weeks ago. Do you remember what I ordered? I'd like to get that again."

Do I look like Rain Man? Do you think, out of the thousands of customers I serve each week, that your order stood out? Do you think, after you came in last time that I immediately wrote in my diary, "served a middle-aged man a slice of banana bread with an extra hot skim-flat white. Best order ever!"

Better yet, when customers just rock up to the counter and ask "a coffee please." I need more to work with there. Size? Coffee type? If I had a psychic gift, I'd be reading tarot cards for a living, not mind-reading your coffee order.

Okay. I could go on, but I'm scared that a vein will pop out of my head. Customers. Do better. That's all I have to say.