29 Jun 2021

I am very confident. So confident that "send it" will be put on my gravestone. I'll talk to anyone, I'm up for anything, I don't mind being a kook or a fool.

I've moved to different cities, started new jobs, and met a tonne of wild and wonderful people. All these people I've met share something in common... They all jump to the conclusion that I must have been cool in high school...

HA! If only they knew me then. That always makes me cackle.

Truth is, I was a ✨ LOSER✨ in high school, and guess what. I wouldn't trade that for the world.

 

Back in high school, I'd rock up to class each day with sopping wet hair, remnants of pimple cream on my face and trackie dacks abundant in holes and stains. Thank god we had a uniform because my fashion was a genuine cause for concern. I refused to buy anything but 10c books with my hard-earned cash, so I basically wore the same oversized t-shirt with the same tattered shorts day in, day out. I didn't have any shoes. I would literally wear thongs to a nice dinner. I once tried to dye my hair with chamomile tea and it went a brassy orange and I was so bad at plucking my eyebrows that half the time I looked perpetually startled. 

My friends were all rooting like rabbits whilst I was reading in my room (nerd alert). I mean, I wasn't really interested in parties, drinking, sneaking out or hooking up. Guys were never into me and the only chance I actually got to kiss one was in a game of truth or dare at my friends' party. I stopped the kiss halfway as I proceeded to vomit out all my regrets from that evening in a bush nearby... Classic!

I'm not saying you're a loser if you don't like to drink and you like to read... oh god no! What I'm really getting at is that I just didn't know who the heck I was back then. I was uncomfortable, awkward, and always, always embarrassed. I would constantly look up to the universe and ask "are you even up there? Is my whole existence destined to be a joke?" I was clumsy, goofy and dorky. I was a freak and a geek. I didn't know who the heck I was.

After I graduated, I travelled for 6 months and then moved to Sydney for film school. I became myself! I figured out how to dress, how to act, how to meet people, how to talk to guys (and not vom on them when I pash 'em). I learnt new hobbies, tried new things, experimented and took charge of what I wanted from life.

I don't think I'm "cool" now persay, I'm just confident, and maybe that's what people pick up from me. The character building from being a numbnut in high school made me all the funnier, humble, and carefree.

Secretly, I still think I'm a loser. And I love it. I say cringey things 24/7 and I embarrass myself all the time, especially whilst drunk (like the time I ran into a barbwire fence and got 8 stitches, or the time I hooked up with a guy who I thought was someone else). But at least I always have a funny story. Because far out, if I were as "cool" as I once wanted to be, what would I have to laugh about? 

If you feel like a loser, just freakin' own it man. Join the club.