26 Dec 2016

I’m not even going to pretend any of these will last more than a week. Here are some funnies to make your own shortcomings appear less damaging to the self.

50. Stop mixing Ribena with Vodka.
49. Stop trying to push Ribena on people, leave the past in the past.
48. Stop replacing every food group with cheeses.
47. Learn what the other food groups are.
46. Drink less water.
45. Stress more.
44. Build up unhappiness and let it out in the form of sonnets.
43. Crumple up my sonnets ‘cos they’re no good and leave them in a trashcan for an optimistic, inner- city mentor to find, and encourage me into a better life.
42. Stop laughing at people who trip in public (apparently it’s rude or something).
41. Stop pointing at the thing I laugh at.
40. Stop laughing so obnoxiously.
39. Find a less obnoxious laugh.
38. Stop feeding my incessant need to be right.
37. Stop hurting people’s feelings when they are wrong.
36. Stop using people’s insecurities to hurt their feelings (yes, even jelly jowls Janet).
35. Stop spending an hour a day practicing my old, Japanese man accent.
34. Give up on my dream of retiring as an old Japanese man with a Zen garden.
33. Accept the fact I am not Japanese.
32. Accept the fact that I will not retire – not in this economy.
31. Max out debt until I reach the other side to healthy finance.
30. Learn how finances work.
29. Stop pretending to be Tim Gunn when I shop at Zara.
28. Stop pretending to be Tim Gunn when I shop at Topshop
27. Stop pretending to be Tim Gunn.
26. Start pretending to be RuPaul to transition off (or is that the wrong direction… wait…).
25. Pronounce Deadmau5 as intended instead of Dead-Mow-5.
24. Nap anywhere else in public apart from Ikea.
23. See a lawyer about the legality of Ikea threatening to life ban.
22. Stop saying “eets”, go with the full word.
21. Buy a longboard just to say I have a longboard.
20. Stop changing my brother’s computer wallpaper to naked Danny Devito.
19. Stop hiding my brother’s medication.
18. Stop luring possums into my brother’s room.
17. Be nicer to my brother.
16. Adopt a middle-aged Norwegian man.
15. Rename my adopted, middle-aged Norwegian man Sven despite already being named Derek.
14. Parent Sven with a tough but fair style that will launch him into professional fly-fishing stardom.
13. Push Sven away as the turmoils of fame creates a gap in our relationship.
12. Stop yelling at my printer when it prints too slowly.
11. Stop yelling at the fridge when the ice-cream is too cold.
10. Organize my National Geographic collection by smell.
9. Earn my black belt in crocheting.
8. Reconnect with Sven on This Is Your Life.
7. See a doctor about that being able to taste the colour red.
6. Stop standing on tables when I teach someone something.
5. Stop yelling “carpe diem” at strangers when in a moving car.
4. Stop telling people, “My boy is wicked smaht.”
3. Re-watch Robin Williams’ filmography to prevent further confused mixing of references.
2. Quit writing listicles like these, no one is laughing.
1. Be a better less of a hack writer.

Now you try and come up with fifty consistent gags. Or take the easy way out, face your problems, improve yourself, and whatever. Coward.

by Garry Lu