09 Sep 2020

If you've got a gut feeling that someone you know or care about isn't feeling red hot, whether they're not behaving like themselves or seem agitated and withdrawn, trust your instinct and act on it. Showing genuine concern, empathy and care can make a world of difference for someone going through a rough patch.

So how can we be there for our mates and fam members? How can we properly ask if someone is doing okay?

1. Prepare yourself

Ask yourself if you're ready. Are you in a good headspace to listen to someone else? For example, I don't think I'd be helpful to someone if I've just finished an 8-hour shift and I'm tired, grumpy and hangry (yes, hungry and angry).

Plan out when you're seeing them so that you're in a good headspace. Plan out where you're meeting them as well and make sure it's somewhat private and comfortable.

Prepare yourself if the answer is "no, I'm not okay."

Prepare yourself if they're not ready to talk about it or talk to you.

It's okay if you feel like you can't "fix" people's problems. No one really can. But if you're just there to listen and help in any way you can, that's what matters the most.

2. Ask

Be relaxed and friendly when asking if someone is okay. Open up with the usual “How are you going?” or “What’s been happening?”. If they don't seem to open up, it’s fine to let them know you’re concerned about them and that you care about them. It's so powerful for someone struggling to know that someone cares about them and that they're not alone. 

3. Listen

Open up those ears of yours and focus on listening to them, not just what you're going to respond with.

Encourage them to explain by asking things like “how are you feeling about that?” or “how long have you felt that way?”

Stay quiet, don't rush them and listen.

Show that you're trying to understand by repeating back what you’ve heard (in your own words).

4. Respond

Sometimes you won't know what to say. That's fine. You're not there to give them a magic "fix". Like I keep saying, just being there is powerful enough.

I had a friend who struggled with her mental health and was scared to go to therapy alone so I'd sit in the reception area and read a book, waiting for her. That meant the world to her. I accept that I'm not a therapist, but I'll be there for my mates. 

Feel free to bring in your own experiences when responding to someone opening up to you. For example, you could say: "when I was going through a difficult time, I tried this... You might find it useful too." But make sure the conversation isn't all about you. 

Encourage action if need be. Ask: "what’s something you can do for yourself right now? Maybe something enjoyable or relaxing?”

Encourage them to see a health professional if the situation calls for it. 

5. Check in and reassure them that you're there

After you’ve had a chat, set yourself a reminder to stay in touch with them. Maybe make a ritual that you call them or go to breakfast with them every Tuesday morning. Maybe set an alarm to message them in a week or two to check in on them. Just reassure your mate that you're there for them, as they would be there for you too.

Now, continue to look after yourself... and your mates too.