30 Jun 2022
Overview
  • First love breakups can make or break us if we don't have some surefire ways to cope with them 💔

As someone who honestly resigned herself to the fact that she’d probably never meet anyone and fall in love - catching feelings for a hook up was probably the last thing I anticipated. Especially when it was supposed to be a one time thing. So when I found myself inviting them over the following night for a repeat performance - well, I knew I was screwed. 

Safe to say by the title of this article, that it didn’t work out - but when it happened to me I finally understood what everyone was talking about. The flutter in your chest every time their name lights up your phone. The dreamlike high you coast as you leave each date - already excited for the next one. It’s intoxicating. 

So, how do you cope when it’s over?

1. No contact

Post the soul crushing closure conversation (where you naturally ask every possible question about where everything went wrong) and the customary exchange of all your belongings, do NOT contact them.

I’m telling you this with the same vibe a girl in a bathroom who gives life changing advice would. Don’t do it. Things aren’t the same anymore and trying to pretend like they are will make the healing process 10x worse.

1A: Abstinence

If you do have to see each other to return said belongings - find the inner strength to channel some nunlike energy. Getting back together can be healing in some cases - but really it’s more of a bandaid fix to a solution when you’re consumed by emotions, and often ends with feeling like your heart is being ripped out again when they leave.

Take it from someone who cried afterwards. While my ex was still there. As our queen Dua Lipa once said “If you’re under him, you ain’t gettin’ over him”.

2. Talk to someone

Cry when you find their hoodie and it still smells like them. Look through the photos of the two of you together on your phone obsessively and let the heartbreak consume you for a while. It’s all part of the process and everyone grieves differently.

But at some point you should reach out to debrief with someone. Invite the group chat over for an in person therapy session, or discuss it with a counsellor or psychologist. Sometimes we don’t see things for how they are when we’re so deep in the situation.

3. Moving forward

Try and envision what your life is going to look like from now. Being in a relationship changes you. Your lives become intertwined and you tend to shift from a “me” mentality to an “us” one. During a breakup you aren’t just grieving the loss of a relationship, you’re grieving the future you envisioned with that person. Things can’t go back to how they were before, but they could be better.

Do one thing a day that’s just for you - order your favourite lunch, buy yourself flowers, go to the movies and see whatever you’d like without compromising. In other words - treat yourself. It’s time to learn how to enjoy your own company again.

4. Resist the urge

To text them. To show up at their place.

Unfollow or block them if you need to. Otherwise you’re going to spend the imminent future constantly checking for their name in your viewers’ list. You don’t need that validation, and it won’t help you move on.

If you get stuck on this step and do end up reaching out - know that you may be prolonging your suffering. At the very least set a “toxic timeline” to give yourself leeway to make those bad decisions before drawing a hard line of when you need to stop.

5. Know that the grief isn’t eternal

I know that right now it feels overwhelming. A crushing pain that is relentless, one that washes over you every time you see something that reminds you of them. But it’s not forever, nothing is. It’s the one constant we have.

One day you’re going to wake up and not immediately reach for your phone to check for their name. You’re going to be able to say their name in conversation and not want to burst into tears. You’re going to look back on it for what it was - the good and the bad.

Written by Nevada Gill