07 Nov 2016

The sun, the warmth, the vibes–we all love summer, right? Yeah, nah. The sun charbroils you to the pavement, the warmth evaporates all moisture from your body, and the vibes would be much more enjoyable if it weren’t for your glands sweating buckets, cascading from the head down until it coats the rest of your body in a sticky layer, like you’re a human candy apple, as you fend off the literal hordes of mosquitoes out to get you with their potentially diseased nippers. Time for a bit of cathartic honesty. Let this be the first Summer Haters Anonymous meeting. My name is Garry, and I’m not that into summer.

1. The control dilemma

With other seasons, namely the all-time MVP, winter, there’s a certain element of control. Feeling cold? Throw some mo’ layers on. Problem solved. With summer, you don’t have that. There’s only so many layers you can shed before you get done for indecent exposure and inappropriate public conduct. It’s all about being the master of your own comfort.

2. Fashion

On a similar note to layers and control, fashion in winter is just that much better. Give me a jacket, coat, or sweater any day over singlets and shorts. Admittedly I am biased, being built like a twiggly with no certified firearms to flex come suns-out-guns-out season, and my wardrobe may or may not be 80% winter-centric. What can I say, I look better in a leather jacket than I do a muscle tee.

3. Mosquitoes

Until the day some inhumane individual of science engineers a beast equal parts bird, mosquito, and rat, mosquitoes alone stand up there with my top three enemies, right next to Macklemore and anyone that says muggacino. These diseased parasites leave a disgusting and irritating mark on humans all around the world and must be stopped immediately. The same goes for mosquitoes.

4. Social media goes down hill (more than usual)

Granted 80% of social media is terrible, unnecessary, and any other adjective you’d use to describe Macklemore, but the dial gets cranked from 60 to 100 during summer. All the same posts that get plastered with the same five hashtags and captions just serve as a reminder that a social hive-mind exists.

5. Summer shits on the efforts of civilisations

What do I mean by this? Well, humankind has spent thousands of years perfecting the indoors. Why would you throw that away to look at a little orange ball in the sky for a few months, and a year after those few months flicking up a backlog of throwback pics. Take a break from nature and whatever, and appreciate that art deco interior.

6. The ultimate, biggest, argument defining reason

It’s just icky, aye.

Farewell winter, come back soon. You will be missed :'( .

by Garry Lu