06 Jul 2021

"Ooh, yeah. I've got it bad, got it bad, got it bad. I'm hot for teacher" - Hot For The Teacher by Van Halen 

My history teacher looked like Ryan Gosling and Jesus' love child. He would rock up to school from the beach, surfboard on his roof racks, drying his drenched hair with a towel. Then he'd grab some textbooks and an apple and head to class.

How did he make eating an apple so hot? 

I mean, the real question was, how did he make history so hot?

 

I didn't have crushes like my mates in high school. They all tuned people on Snapchat, had cheeky hookups at parties and entered relationships whilst I lusted for my history teacher. For two years.

I spent two whole years feeling euphoric if he ever complimented my essay or mentioned me in an example; "say, Izzy is in Ancient Sparta" or depressed if I walked into class and there was a substitute teacher. What a neg.

I was enthralled in every lesson, holding onto every word like we were having a deep and meaningful conversation on a first date. 

I had daydreams of him keeping me back after class and professing his undying, irrevocable, overwhelming love for me. Now that would make history in my books. Look, something like that would get the police involved so I guess I am glad it never happened.

I dreamed of him telling me I was a star pupil and inviting me to a history excursion for elite students. I mean, I definitely wasn't the star pupil but in retrospect, I think I retained a lot more knowledge when he spoke compared to other teachers. I could listen to him talking about the Persian War, Pericles and Pompeii all damn day.

Did I mention that he had a wife and two kids? Funny, that must have escaped my memory. Maybe that was the thing holding me back from asking him out? Not that it was super inappropriate on so so many levels.

It was infuriating. Why was it him that I was into? Why couldn't I just crush on someone actually attainable and like... legal. Jeez. 

Unrequited love is a funny thing. It can be all-encompassing but it fades eventually. George Harrison once sang "All Things Shall Pass"... Ironically, my history teacher loved George Harrison.

I promise you, I got over him. I wish him all the best with his wife, kids and apples. But man, I've said it before and I'll say it again. He was hot.