02 Aug 2021

My perfect brother is the golden boy. Straight A's in everything, from chemistry to art.

My perfect brother is loved by all. Invites to every party, close to everyone and anyone.

My perfect brother is destined for success. Accepted to every university, dux of the school, top of the honour roll, not to mention the millions of hobbies he's perfect at, from surfing to the drums. 

And there I was, three years behind, pale in his shadow. 

 

When we were kids, I followed him wherever he went. He skated, I skated. He surfed, I surfed. He loved Led Zeppelin, I loved Led Zeppelin. I was the annoying younger sister that would hang out with him and his mates, or even eavesdrop, pretending that I was one of them. He was always yelling at me to nick off. But after his mates left, he would always feel bad and watch a movie with me (always Back To The Future - his favourite. Therefore my favourite).

Then as we got older, I could not keep up with him. I could not get the perfect marks he had get in class... So then I started skipping class in general. I wasn't as popular as him, but when I was invited to a party, I'd take it too far; sneak out, drink too much and end up vomiting all night.

I didn't get accepted to every university, in fact, I didn't know if I wanted to study after high school in general. I didn't know what I wanted to do but it broke my heart that no one ever looked at me with glowing eyes, saying; "wow, she'll go far", like they did with my brother. 

He moved out for uni, but he was still all over the house. Framed certificates on the walls, trophies on the shelves and good photos everywhere... I mean, I was up there too but I looked like a dweeb in every photo and he looked immaculate. Why wasn't there anything or any achievement I could have up there?

I stopped answering his calls and messaging him when he moved out. I was avoiding him. Fuelled by my 🔥biiiitterness🔥. 

I don't know what it was that made me snap out of it. He tried to call for the hundredth time and I let it ring out...Why? I thought, why was I avoiding him? I just had an epiphany. All this time, I felt like I was always letting my parents down, trying to fill my brothers' shoes. But far out, his shoes are not my bloody size! They're not my style, nor are they practical for me. It's like giving a tradie cowgirl boots to work in! 

What the hell was I doing trying to be my brother!?!? Immediately, I set out on my own path. I travelled on my gap year and moved to a new city. I read books, met new people, did short courses, took up new hobbies and became my own person. And it felt nice to stop shivering in my brothers' shadow. It felt nice to be in the light for once. Because my 'rents are so proud of me for doing my own thing. They thought I was brave, wild and free. Those words meant so much more to me than "smart" "successful", words used to describe my brother. 

I answered the phone and chatted away with my brother. Because I love him, I really do. And he's gonna do amazing things. But hey, so will I now that I've got my own dang shoes.