7 Pieces of Terrible Dating Advice

In the iconic words of my hero Pat Benatar: "Love is a battlefield". Sometimes, I think we've crafted the battlefield ourselves by listening to convoluted and intricate dating advice that inevitably blows up in our face.

Now look, I've been given my fair share of dodgy dating advice. I ain't a saint, nor am I a sinner. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't. Sometimes I listen to my own advice, most of the time I choose to ignore it and go straight for those red flags, baby.

Here are a few real winners but trust me, there are hundreds more.

1. Don't text back straight away

Once I was about to text a guy back; my friend screamed and leapt so fast that I thought she was possessed.

"You can't reply straight away!" she yelled, snatching the phone from my hands as if it were a ticking time bomb. Dramatic much?

Hands down it's one of the worst pieces of advice you can receive. If you leave 'em on delivered to look not interested, chances are they'll return the favour just as bad. If you're really vibing, it'll feel seamless and you won't notice how long you've left them or they've left you on delivered.

 

 

 

 

 

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2. Treat 'em mean, keep 'em keen

That possessed friend then proceeded to tell me that my text message reply (in a few hours) should be extremely short and blunt, almost as if to imply they've done something wrong. Or even worse, notice a shift in how you're replying so they begin to overthink what they've done.

My friend proceeded to list a handful of ways to be mean as a way to keep 'em keen. Some included:

• If the person I'm dating asks me out, I should pretend to be busy more times than not
• I should never express liking them too much or give them any indicators that I'm into them
• I should never be the first one to message or call

This power play seems like a lot of work to me. In fact, if I wanted to play games, I'd just whip out The Sims. 

3. If you're nervous before a first date, drink!

I remember being especially nervous for a first date and my mate told me to have a drink or two for liquid courage. I thought this was a genius and maybe it is if you're not an idiot like me.

Unfortunately, sometimes I forget how much of a lightweight I am and how incredibly fast I can scull a drink when I'm nervous. One thing led to another and I was plastered before my date. It was truly a recipe for disaster. 

I don't have to tell you what went down, but he didn't call me after that date. I wonder why?!

 

 

 

 

 

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4. Be an enigma

I am an open book and I like it that way. I don't mind people immediately thinking "oh okay, she's a lunatic but likes to party". Although, I've repetitively been told to not show my whole deck of cards at the start of a relationship.

"Be elusive," I've been told. "People love the chase so act mysterious and uninterested."

At this point, I'm rolling my eyes. Being elusive and mysterious is the antithesis of who I am! When I try to be all nonchalant, I end up becoming a rigid, shell of myself with no personality. If that's what a date is into, I don't think he's the one for me tbh.

5. Wait for them to make the first move

I hate to upset you, but you've probably missed out on a fair few dating opportunities because you were waiting for them to make the first move whilst they were actually waiting for you to make the first move.

I also wanna scream when I hear heterosexual girls saying that they have to wait for guys to make the first move! LADIES! I don't know if you know this but we can vote now! We can have jobs! We can own real estate! We can bloody ask out a guy!

In fact, most of my guy mates LOVE when a girl asks them out. So send it!

6. Don’t go “too far” on the first date

Don't you dare kiss them on the first date. They'll think you're easy or desperate or whatever else.

Dude, I'm not saying you HAVE to kiss them on a first date (or do anything else you saucy minxes) but there's a whole stigma around NOT doing this. Seriously, do whatever makes you feel comfortable at the time!

If you'd rather wait a bit for a perfect time - DO IT! If there's a vibe definitely happening - GO FOR IT!

Whatever floats your dingy (and their dingy) baby!

7. Go to the cinemas for a date

Once I went to see a movie on a second date and it was, undeniably, the most awkward encounter of my life. We chatted whilst lining up for snacks and were then told to be quiet during the trailers.

We then proceeded to, of course, watch the movie for 2 hours, and then parted ways, learning basically nothing about the other person. Big L.

Don't go to the cinemas early on in a relationship. Just don't.

They always tell us that first comes love, then comes the awkward dating stage in your early 20's, then comes marriage but was there a nursery rhyme about what to do after school? Take our post-school planner to write your own story!