10 Types Of People You'll See Out Clubbing

Dancing on sticky floors layered in vodka and gin to music thumping so loud that you might need to get your ears checked the next day is a beautiful thing. It really brings out the true identities of everyone.

So, who are you when you're clubbing? Be warned, don't read this if you're not ready to get roasted. 

1. The one who's too cool to be there

A carabiner holding their keys is connected to their vintage jeans. They're sporting a niche and nuanced band shirt with a band no one has ever heard of (and if they have, they'll just throw the shirt away and find a more deep-cut band). There's a craft beer in their hand, the only craft beer this establishment had. Their mates probably dragged them from an art gallery or gig to this club and it's safe to say that they aren't amused. 

Their expression screams "I am better than all of you". They secretly love being there. 

2. The one who is only there to pull

They came with one mission and one mission only. To pull. They might as well have brought binoculars because they will spend the whole night on the prowl, looking around the d-floor finding anyone worthy of their affection. 

The classic lines you'll hear from them are:

"It's my birthday"... It never is.

"What star sign are you?"... I mean, even if someone isn't into star signs, that's always a talking point.

"Do I know you?"... They never know them. This lie is just a great convo starter. 

3. The eshay adlay

They have most likely come back from tagging a train... Kidding kidding! But for real. They'll be downing vodka red bulls, repeatedly checking that their Nike fanny pack and hat is still on them, and yelling gibberish like "eetswa" and "s'doin brah". They're actually quite funny and good to dance with until they start a fight with someone who accidentally pushes in front of them in the line for another drink. Do not. I repeat. Do NOT, push in front of an eshay.

4. The one who started too early

They've just come from pres, maybe even did some day drinking at the races and are now on another level. They stumble into the club, telling the seccy's, "I promise, I've only had 2 drinks," and bee-line straight for the bathroom to do a tacky or two. 

They will probably have a mate Uber them home in an hour after they fall asleep at the bar.

5. The oldie

I'm not here to age discriminate... I'm just pointing out the facts. A lot of the time, there'll be someone considerably older than everyone else at a club. They might still have their business attire on, briefcase and all, and will try to hit up some youngin's with "relevant" chat, maybe even offer to buy some drinks...

Is this oldie a gross perv? Or are they just a lovable person with a penchant for dancing to '90s classics on a Friday night? Hard to tell. 

6. The unofficial photographer

I mean, if you didn't film it and spam it on every social media account you have, did it really happen?

They will spend the whole night taking photos of their mates, snapping way too many selfies and filming the d-floor every time a banger comes on. They will also bring a portable charger because god forbid their phone dies throughout the night.

Their Instagram story will be film-length. Not many people will get to the end of it.

7. The ciggie fiend

They will spend the entire night in the smoko, talking to strangers because all their friends wanna keep dancing. Maybe they'll enter the d-floor for a hot minute but after a few songs, they'll make their way to their second home. ✨The smoking area ✨

8. The 'rich for a night' one

You know what bravery is? Buying rounds for your mates all night when you know you're in debt to your parents already. You know what courage is? Knowing that you'll struggle to pay rent next week but also buying 10 shots of fireball. 

They may not be ballin' by any means but they'll be ballin' at the club. Bless them. Make sure to buy them some drinks back too. They deserve it. 

9.  The couple who needs to get a room

You won't hear them talking or singing. You won't see them ordering drinks or going to the smoko. You will only see them with each other exchanging saliva. 

God forbid you're third-wheeling with them.

10. The one that never gets in

And last but not least, the one you never see. Because they never get let in. No matter how drunk or sober they are, they just have natural crackhead energy and a suss aura that makes a seccy's radar go off. 

No matter how many times they've said, "I've only had two drinks" to a security guard, they won't see that dancefloor. 1 like = 1 prayer for them. 💔