30 Jun 2021

They might lie, use and abuse you. Your mum might subtly tell you that they're just jealous of you (mum knows best). Maybe you're just a guest at their perpetual pity party, maybe they always have to be right, maybe they're judgemental and cruel, maybe they ignore you until they need you. After you hang out with them, you may feel drained, as if you spent time with an emotional vampire; maybe you might feel self-conscious or low.

Long story short, life is too short for toxic mates. 

Now, if you've tried to talk to them about how they make you neg, you've tried giving them space or adjusting your expectations of them but they're still 🔥toxic🔥, it may be time to cut them off.

I know it sounds brutal but treat friendships like you would with a relationship. Sometimes it's time to break up. It'll be hard! You'll miss them and the good times you shared - because of course there were good times. But sometimes the bad times cloud way over the good. 

So here is how to cut off your toxic friends.

1. Release the burden

Toxic mates are probably toxic for a reason. But as savage as this sounds, it's not your responsibility to save them.

I had a friend who had an awful childhood and I would listen to her day in and day out about this. Of course, I wanted to be there for her. But when she wasn't talking about this, she was treating me like absolute scum, gossiping about me, judging me and taking advantage of my time and energy. I felt so so low all the time.

One day, I snapped out of it and realised that it wasn't my job to try to help her! Of course, I would do anything for my mates, but I couldn't call her a mate anymore. She was genuinely horrible.

I encouraged her to see a therapist and waited for her outside for the first few times and directed her to resources that could help when I couldn't. Then, I cut her off and trust me when I say, I was relievvveddd.

2. Fade out the contact

A slow fade is a non-confrontational approach that’s often effective. Don't reply to their messages for a long while, don't make plans with them, resist the urge and habit to call them.

I had a friend who was très narcissistic and self-pitying. We met at work and started hanging out a bit, but then our time together was unbearable to me. I used this approach because we weren't super duper close anyways. 

I could still see her at work, have a laugh, and sometimes hang out with her here or there. But as soon as I got the ick, I took a step back and realised that this wasn't someone I wanted to be best mates with.

The fade-out may not work if you're super close with them as they may think you're ignoring or judging them. Then that makes you look like the bad guy. So here's your next step:

3. Break up with them

My best mate once sat her toxic friend down and told her the honest truth. She was empathetic and calm, but also firm and direct. (She'd mapped out her points in her head before).

She told her mate that they shouldn't see each other anymore. It genuinely was like a breakup.

Years later, she has completely forgiven her toxic mate. But it's okay to forgive someone and still just not want to spend time with them! It's your life! You deserve to be selective with the people you hang out with!

If things go south and your friend becomes aggressive or cruel towards you, drop them like a tonne of bricks. Snip snip!! Block them on social media, distract yourself from the situation and move on. Move on from the negativity and be freeeee.

The more time you spend away from toxic people, the more time you have for yourself and the people that are positive, uplifting, and important to you!