How To Say "No" When You Just Aren't Feeling It

For a two-letter word, “no” can be a bloody hard thing to say. But when it comes to self-care, saying that single little word is one of the best things you can do. So if you have a tendency of people-pleasing, you’ve gotta kick that habit to the curb.

The polite decline is something of an artform, and can take a little bit of practice to get down pat. First you have to learn when to say no – then you gotta master the how. So without further ado, welcome to the “yeah, nah” masterclass. 

First Off… Here’s When To Say No

Knowing when to say no is vital, even if it’s something you would like to help with. But if agreeing is going to leave you feeling burnt out, impact your mental health, or means you’re saying yes to something you’ve regretted in the past – that’s when you’ve gotta politely decline. 

Remember that it’s okay to say no to anything (unless you’re legally obliged). Whether it’s a night out with friends, or a family lunch you really don’t have the energy for, you have to put your own needs first. 

It’s also fine to say change your mind after you’ve already said yes. It’s far better to pull out of something at the last minute than it is to follow and be unhappy. 

But if you find yourself tossing up between what to do, here are a few questions you should always ask yourself:

Will it make you feel uncomfortable?

Of course, stepping out of your comfort zone can be a really healthy thing to do. But if that feeling of discomfort is just going to leave you feeling gross, that’s no longer a good thing. 

Are you only saying yes because you feel guilty?

No decision should be made based on guilt or obligation. Stand your ground and give it a miss.

Are you swamped?

Having too much on your plate is always a valid reason to say no. If you don’t have the capacity to do something, don’t go out of your way to make other people happy.

Does it cross boundaries?

Never agree to anything that crosses your personal boundaries. Even if someone is struggling to understand why you have certain limits, they need to respect you and your needs regardless. 

Are you people-pleasing? 

If you’re only saying yes to please someone else, that’s a telltale sign that you should defs skip out on it.

And The How...

If you’re reading this article, you’re probably well aware that saying no is far more difficult than the one syllable sound it should be. 

Heck, I once paid $40 for a DVD of some guy on Hollywood Boulevard calling himself the “Prince of Comedy” because it seemed easier to just pay for it than say no. That was six years ago, and to this day I have never watched the DVD.

Thankfully (for you and me both), there are plenty of alternative things you can say to let people down easy, rather than hitting them with a hard no. In my experience, being completely honest is the best way to go about it. Unless you’re going to an event they weren’t invited to, let them know why you can’t make it, and they’ll probably completely understand. 

Let’s say, for example, that someone has asked to hang out. If you’re keen, but just have a bit too much on your plate, tell them exactly that, and offer another time that would work better. Or, if the request is to give them a hand with something on a particular day and you just aren’t feeling up to it, let them know you’re feeling burnt out and they should understand.

But on other occasions, making up an excuse can be the easiest solution. Maybe you feel intimidated, or you’re worried the truth will make things awkward. If you can come up with something that isn’t a complete lie, that’s always the best op because you won’t be caught out if they start asking questions. 

“No” is the most important word in the English language and we should all be using it wayyyyy more often. So get out there and make 2023 the year of “no thanks”.