How To Suss Your Attachment Style In Relationships

“Attachment is a deep and enduring emotional bond that connects one person to another person across time and space.” - Ainsworth, 1973: Bowlby, 1969

You might have heard of attachment styles before. Everyone on this planet has an attachment style - from your Mum, to your bestie, to the Queen of England - we've all got a way of expressing ourselves in relationships.

For some that might mean feeling safe playin' it cool - for others, it might mean a whole lot of anxiety, avoidance and neediness. Sometimes, just knowing how your mind works makes it infinitely easier to navigate dating to try and work through any issues presenting themselves.

So let's suss out what's going on in our brains, shall we?!

What are the 'attachment styles'? ❤️‍🔥

Attachment styles develop depending upon our experiences in early childhood, as well as our core personalities and life experiences. People can have a mixture of attachement styles, and exist on different spectrums.

But before you start blaming relationship problems on your poor 'rents, it's important to remember that lots of other factors come into play with attachments - and while you might have been an anxiously attached kid, you might be a securely attached adult. 

Plus, your life experiences play a big role in adult attachment styles. All that being said, there are four main attachment styles: 

• Secure 😄
• Avoidant 😒
• Disogranised 🤯
• Anxious  😰

Secure attachment 🌈

Having a secure attachement is the absolute dream chef's kiss. As Adults, secure attachment typically looks like:

• Having trusting, lasting relationships

• Usually having good self-esteem

• Sharing feelings with partners and friends

• Seeking out social support

Avoidant 🙈

As Adults, avoidant attachment can look like being super independent - needing nobody n' noone and not keen to let others in. It might looks like:

• Not wanting to get close to others

• Worrying that their partner doesn't love them

• Becoming very ditressed when relationships end

Disorganised/ fearful-avoidant 😱

If you've got a disorganised attachment, it usually presents as a mixture of avoidant and anxious:

• having intense and emotional relationships
• conflicting feelings about relationships
• wanting a romantic relationship yet fearful of being hurt 
• seeking out an excuse to leave a relationship
• not keen on commitment and intimacy
• fear or anxiety about not being good enough for a partner or relationship

Anxious 😥

I would say I used to have this type of attachment style, experiencing all kinds of fears around rejection and abandonment - but my parents were and still are very loving, so I would hazard a guess and say it's mostly due to my anxious personality.

I've found a way to heal through therapy and have had very fulfilling relationships later in life through understanding my own mind! Here's what anxious attachments look like:

• can have low self-esteem
• has a strong fear of rejection or abandonment
• usually clingy in relationships
• insecure and anxious about their own worth in a relationship

Be kind to yourself and thrive ✨

If you reckon you've got yourself sussed and think you might have an 'insecure' attachment style, the good news is - attachment styles can change.

Sometimes, the change can happen by itself, like being in a relationship with someone that's securely attached, which creates emotional closeness, calmness and stability.

Sometimes it might take a bit of work with a trusted professional, and that's ok too. It's all about forming new habits and patterns. Although you can't change your past, you can change your present! And remember: you are important, worthy and loved. ❤️